Mar 10
9
Spider-Man? Rebooted.
Clash of the Titans? Remake
The Dukes of Hazard? Remake
Superman? Reboot of the remake
Alice in Wonderland? Re-imagining of a reboot of a remake
The Incredible Hulk? see above
The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3? Remake
Highlander? Who knows.
Are you like me and really tired of Hollywood giving up on even the illusion of credibility and going on a binge of unnecessary remakes of the classics of years gone by, or remakes of films that weren’t that good to begin with? Think they’re out of ideas completely? Well, I think they could use some help from the fans themselves, so I’m going to be starting a new section here on the blog where I propose some films and TV shows that are ripe for a gritty updated remake for today’s originality-deprived audiences. Each of these is sure to be a hit. Feel free to contribute your own. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the one responsible for tomorrow’s greatest cinematic smash.
First up: Saved by the Bell
Synopsis: Set in inner-city Los Angeles, the new Saved by the Bell is less cutesy WASP high school and more gritty drama. Think Colors meets Deliverance meets 10 Things I Hate About You. Join the adventures of Zack Morris, a talented but conflicted man-child as he navigates his way through what the country has deemed “the most dangerous high school in America”. Between daily shootings and riots, Zach’s innocence is slowly corrupted by drugs and violence. Leading his downfall is his favorite teacher and part-time lover, the aptly-named Miss Bliss. Between meth and ecstasy-fueled sex marathons, Zach tries to keep a normal relationship with the girl of his dreams, Kelly, who’s been resorting to turning tricks on the side to cover the costs of her own education, and AC (Absolute Cruelty) Slater, his protector and best friend, an ex-jock and steroid junkie given to random burst of rage. Slater has killed once while protecting his friend and isn’t afraid to do it again. In fact, he’s starting to like it. Kelly’s pimp, Lisa, is the power center of sex at the school, having an iron grip on every whore in a 15 block radius of the school. But she is still trying to turn the hottest piece of ass her way, Jessie Spano. Lisa’s would change her mind if she knew that Spano was really the world’s greatest teen assassin on a personal mission to kill whoever set up her sister on a suicide mission at the school two years ago. She’s now working closely with undercover DEA agent and authority-bucking Mr. Belding, who’s out to end the drug trade at the school-by any means necessary. However, not even he is prepared to deal with the sickest freak and sociopath the city has ever seen; Samual “Screech” Powers who got his name by the sounds he produces from his victims as he dismembers them alive in the school’s boiler room. Screech’s depravity is only matched by his unquenchable sexual appetite as he nearly reaches his goal of having sex with every living thing (human or not) at the school. Yes, this isn’t your father’s Saved By The Bell. It’s raw power will come ripping off the screen. Coming to theaters next Christmas. Rated YGTBFKM (You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me).
Tentative Cast:
Zack Morris: Seth Rogan
AC Slater: Danny Trejo
Lisa Turtle: Gabourey Sidibe
Kelly Kapowski: Jessica Alba
Jessie Spano: Lindsay Lohan
“Screech” Powers: Crispin Glover
Mr. Belding:Ving Rhames
Miss Bliss: Christina Hendricks
Directed by: Robert Rodrigeuez
No related posts.
